I’m currently plowing through Stephanie Foo’s book on her journey of recovering from C-PTSD (because I need someone to bear witness that I too can recover and can avoid being permanently weighed down by things that went off the rails in my childhood and set me up for a lifetime of repetitive trauma), What My Bones Know, and then I’m planning to read Desmond and Mpho Tutu’s The Book of Forgiving. Then I will return to and finish The Brothers Karamazov. It’s all quite a journey! Grace and peace to you in your own travels through the human maze of pain, discovery, forgiveness, and release.
This line here - "I don’t know what’s on the other side of letting go, because so much of my safety was wrapped up in the hypervigilance of not forgiving or forgetting. I want to be clean and unencumbered but I fear the trembling, wet nakedness of vulnerability." I struggle with how to let go and feel I am not betrayingmy younger, unprotected self. This is so good. Thanks so much, Sharifa.
Whew, I felt both vindicated and lovingly chastised by this post. I jokingly refer to myself as a professional grudge-holder because, try as I may, forgiveness takes time for me, if it happens at all. I hate that I harp on some of the things that I do but my efforts to forgive and move forward free of the "things" are sometimes in vain. Thank you for including this in your recent post because I likely wouldn't have seen it otherwise!
..."trust the Spirit. The Spirit won’t let our hair stay a dirty mess forever. The Spirit won’t let unforgiveness be the only witness of our grief."
Much to unpack and unforgive here, Sharifa. I know this may sound self-indulgent against the brilliance of your spirit, but two polar opposites lept out from my own current- and past- experience. First, the warm: I say a prayer of thankfulness when I overcome the resistance to shower. Secondly, my unforgiveness has come a long way, yet would take a long time in this particular moment to recount. Yet, a recent catalyst/realization came violently to me recently: my parents never taught, nor accepted self defense in virtually any way, shape, or form. Yet, I've survived and oftentimes thrived.
I've been reading Pema Chodron's "When Things Fall Apart", and she has a practice that reminds me of this post. When I am feeling that anger, insecurity, or pain, instead of trying to move away, I try to face it and expand it. It's been helping me a lot lately. When I feel a pain, I think about all of the times I've felt that pain. I then expand out to thinking about all the times my mother or father have felt that kind of pain. Expand out to thinking all of the people in the world that have felt that pain. Expand out to all of the ancestors who have felt that pain. I try to hold space for that pain, and take a deep breath in, letting it fill me. Then, on the breath out, send loving-kindness to all of the people in your thoughts, including yourself. It has helped me immensely.
Thank you for affirming the not ready to forgive! As a person who finds it hard to discuss the pain of my past and the impact it has people always say why don't you talk to so and so or family is family no matter what and while my heart be like "nah B" in the back of my mind I question if they are right but I have always felt that brown skin cocoa butter wearing Jesus understood! Thank you thank you thank you!
What a gift your words are. Thank you for this encouragement. I can spend time reflecting and setting goals to break and lists of the past year (I too love those types of questions), but would I spend time making a forgiveness list and let “God be a doula through this labor of letting go.” And also let him be my witness, my comforter, and defender.
This is good medicine for our hearts, bless you Sharifa.
"Other people say that unforgiveness is drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick—but I have experienced unforgiveness as the only witness to a pain that the rest of the world has moved on from; the one who will sit with me and say, “yes, this happened to you. This horrible thing. I remember with you.”
That deep guttural "yes" from my body saying you just named something which walked in my world without a name. Until now.
Love you, friend. Praying that you truly experience the healing and validation of the Spirit as you do this hard work. And praying for the same ongoing work in my own heart. Different hurts, but the same desire / need to forgive and experience healing.
I’m currently plowing through Stephanie Foo’s book on her journey of recovering from C-PTSD (because I need someone to bear witness that I too can recover and can avoid being permanently weighed down by things that went off the rails in my childhood and set me up for a lifetime of repetitive trauma), What My Bones Know, and then I’m planning to read Desmond and Mpho Tutu’s The Book of Forgiving. Then I will return to and finish The Brothers Karamazov. It’s all quite a journey! Grace and peace to you in your own travels through the human maze of pain, discovery, forgiveness, and release.
This line here - "I don’t know what’s on the other side of letting go, because so much of my safety was wrapped up in the hypervigilance of not forgiving or forgetting. I want to be clean and unencumbered but I fear the trembling, wet nakedness of vulnerability." I struggle with how to let go and feel I am not betrayingmy younger, unprotected self. This is so good. Thanks so much, Sharifa.
So beautiful! So hype to add you to this Cookout thingamajig❤️❤️❤️
Whew, I felt both vindicated and lovingly chastised by this post. I jokingly refer to myself as a professional grudge-holder because, try as I may, forgiveness takes time for me, if it happens at all. I hate that I harp on some of the things that I do but my efforts to forgive and move forward free of the "things" are sometimes in vain. Thank you for including this in your recent post because I likely wouldn't have seen it otherwise!
..."trust the Spirit. The Spirit won’t let our hair stay a dirty mess forever. The Spirit won’t let unforgiveness be the only witness of our grief."
Much to unpack and unforgive here, Sharifa. I know this may sound self-indulgent against the brilliance of your spirit, but two polar opposites lept out from my own current- and past- experience. First, the warm: I say a prayer of thankfulness when I overcome the resistance to shower. Secondly, my unforgiveness has come a long way, yet would take a long time in this particular moment to recount. Yet, a recent catalyst/realization came violently to me recently: my parents never taught, nor accepted self defense in virtually any way, shape, or form. Yet, I've survived and oftentimes thrived.
I somehow missed this when you posted it last year, but today was the day I needed it. Thank you!
I've been reading Pema Chodron's "When Things Fall Apart", and she has a practice that reminds me of this post. When I am feeling that anger, insecurity, or pain, instead of trying to move away, I try to face it and expand it. It's been helping me a lot lately. When I feel a pain, I think about all of the times I've felt that pain. I then expand out to thinking about all the times my mother or father have felt that kind of pain. Expand out to thinking all of the people in the world that have felt that pain. Expand out to all of the ancestors who have felt that pain. I try to hold space for that pain, and take a deep breath in, letting it fill me. Then, on the breath out, send loving-kindness to all of the people in your thoughts, including yourself. It has helped me immensely.
I love this so much. Thank you.
Thank you for affirming the not ready to forgive! As a person who finds it hard to discuss the pain of my past and the impact it has people always say why don't you talk to so and so or family is family no matter what and while my heart be like "nah B" in the back of my mind I question if they are right but I have always felt that brown skin cocoa butter wearing Jesus understood! Thank you thank you thank you!
These words 🥹🥹🥹 thank you 🙏🏾
What a gift your words are. Thank you for this encouragement. I can spend time reflecting and setting goals to break and lists of the past year (I too love those types of questions), but would I spend time making a forgiveness list and let “God be a doula through this labor of letting go.” And also let him be my witness, my comforter, and defender.
This is good medicine for our hearts, bless you Sharifa.
This is my favorite blog!
I can't get past this:
"Other people say that unforgiveness is drinking poison and expecting the other person to get sick—but I have experienced unforgiveness as the only witness to a pain that the rest of the world has moved on from; the one who will sit with me and say, “yes, this happened to you. This horrible thing. I remember with you.”
That deep guttural "yes" from my body saying you just named something which walked in my world without a name. Until now.
Thank you.
Love you, friend. Praying that you truly experience the healing and validation of the Spirit as you do this hard work. And praying for the same ongoing work in my own heart. Different hurts, but the same desire / need to forgive and experience healing.
Ma’am.