Also, the fact that you haven't aged in twenty years?!? You would have never gotten me to guess those pictures were more than a week apart, AT MOST a year!!
"You ever had to do that — stop leaning on aspects of your identity because they were expiring and you had to let them go?" Whew. I audibly sighed reading that line because SO many things came to mind. My fitness, my sanity, my religion.. I joke often that I've lived so many lives in my short 31 years which seems even shorter when I consider that most of them occurred in my twenties. I am growing to love this version of myself, feeling more and more authentically me as the days pass and I do the work I need. Thank you for this post!
That question about having to let go of aspects of your identity because they’re expiring struck a chord. When I became disabled so much of that happened at once, and I’ve spent 3 1/2 years coming to terms with it (and I’m still grieving). The loss of running, and hiking, and being able to move my body in ways that made me feel productive and brought me joy and mental stability. The loss of my teaching career, and the sense of purpose I had gained from throwing myself at that work. The loss of my ability to be a world traveler like I used to. And so many other, smaller accumulated losses. And yet, as you say, I’m still me. And if I’m honest, I feel more whole in this current version of myself than in the previous one that was always striving. But I’m still in process with the grieving, and am trying to be faithful to that process instead of brushing the grief away.
“ You ever had to do that — stop leaning on aspects of your identity because they were expiring and you had to let them go? You ever had to open your hands and feel the windy emptiness and hope something else would fill them again?” Uhm YES 🥹
The recalibration of self- I love this so much!! I’m currently learning to embrace that the way I define myself is always going to change and there won’t be an ultimate peak where I reach full knowledge of my being. First reacting with disappointment but now I’m so excited to see where future me will be!🌹🌹
I feel this so deeply. I was just telling a friend yesterday (who is Black and queer and healing after trying to cram themselves into white evangelicalism for years) that I’m reading through my old books I wrote (that endorse complementarianism and a slew of other toxic things) that it’s making me nauseous AND I see myself in them, hiding in there and afraid to be free. I’m still me, but now I get to be all the way me. 🥰🥰🥰
1. The blue was blueing, I loooooove wearing blue as a fellow cool undertones sister. 2. 20 years WHERE? 3. Aren't children precious?
Also your writing gives me chills. I could feel "the windy emptiness" even as my palms rest face down on my lap. Thank you for sharing.
Also, the fact that you haven't aged in twenty years?!? You would have never gotten me to guess those pictures were more than a week apart, AT MOST a year!!
"You ever had to do that — stop leaning on aspects of your identity because they were expiring and you had to let them go?" Whew. I audibly sighed reading that line because SO many things came to mind. My fitness, my sanity, my religion.. I joke often that I've lived so many lives in my short 31 years which seems even shorter when I consider that most of them occurred in my twenties. I am growing to love this version of myself, feeling more and more authentically me as the days pass and I do the work I need. Thank you for this post!
“I am more me..” brb crying
Love the joy laced throughout this post!!!
That question about having to let go of aspects of your identity because they’re expiring struck a chord. When I became disabled so much of that happened at once, and I’ve spent 3 1/2 years coming to terms with it (and I’m still grieving). The loss of running, and hiking, and being able to move my body in ways that made me feel productive and brought me joy and mental stability. The loss of my teaching career, and the sense of purpose I had gained from throwing myself at that work. The loss of my ability to be a world traveler like I used to. And so many other, smaller accumulated losses. And yet, as you say, I’m still me. And if I’m honest, I feel more whole in this current version of myself than in the previous one that was always striving. But I’m still in process with the grieving, and am trying to be faithful to that process instead of brushing the grief away.
“ You ever had to do that — stop leaning on aspects of your identity because they were expiring and you had to let them go? You ever had to open your hands and feel the windy emptiness and hope something else would fill them again?” Uhm YES 🥹
Thank you sharing this. I can relate
❤️ for a life of turned up color
What a gift from your child. ❤️
❤️
“You ever had to do that — stop leaning on aspects of your identity because they were expiring and you had to let them go?”
Yes. Wow, yes. And we need more narratives that honor and don’t shame this experience. Thank you so much for sharing yours.
Your smile outshines the moon!
You are turned up! I love that.
The recalibration of self- I love this so much!! I’m currently learning to embrace that the way I define myself is always going to change and there won’t be an ultimate peak where I reach full knowledge of my being. First reacting with disappointment but now I’m so excited to see where future me will be!🌹🌹
I feel this so deeply. I was just telling a friend yesterday (who is Black and queer and healing after trying to cram themselves into white evangelicalism for years) that I’m reading through my old books I wrote (that endorse complementarianism and a slew of other toxic things) that it’s making me nauseous AND I see myself in them, hiding in there and afraid to be free. I’m still me, but now I get to be all the way me. 🥰🥰🥰